Marcus Welby Episode Schematic

welby2After watching the Snapping Turtle of Moralizing Medicine for years, my spouse has distilled the essence of the canonical Welby episode:

Happy person does a Thing. Thing is taxing to person, who tries to do said thing, feels faint, limbs shake.

Has checkup. Shows symptoms.
Welby purses lips. Suggests tests.
Person denies problem, leaves to do Thing.
Welby warns person, frowns.

Slightly less happy person does more Thing. Thing stresses person, who falls and passes out.
Welby runs tests, finds affliction. Welby lectures, scowls.
Person acknowledges condition but denies severity. Leaves to do More Things.
Welby hisses and snaps jaws.

Increasingly unhappy person does One More Thing, sees spots, has chest pains, collapses.
Unhappy person faces life-saving surgery.
Welby, smug and Right All Along, reveals character weaknesses to person. Person capitulates.
Welby touches person’s shoulder, displays understanding bedside manner technique #4.

Unconscious person has surgery. Welby paces, drinks coffee.
Conscious person, recovered from surgery and happy once more, resumes doing Thing, but accepts limitations.
Welby, smug, right, and now wealthier, smiles, eats lettuce.